Read time: 3 min.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the quiet section of the train.

In front of me, a man was talking on the phone.

He laughed out loud and was very noisy.

The rest of the passengers were visibly frustrated by it.

But, nobody approached him.

I faced a dilemma.

I felt the responsibility to confront the man.

So that’s what I did.

Most people are afraid of conflict

I stood up to confront him.

He looked at me, apologized, walked away, and took the phone call elsewhere.

I sat back down and said to myself:

’’That wasn’t that hard.’’

I wondered why people avoid confrontation.

A few reasons popped into mind:

• They think of confrontation as an attack

• They hate engaging in ego-battles

• They want to keep the peace

Unfortunately, they miss out on the bright side of it.

Confrontation is not conflict

When done right, confrontation is an opportunity to connect.

Take the correct approach, and you:

• Prevent confrontation from escalating

• Won’t hurt the people you love

• Strengthen the relationship

• Keep your authority

Here’s the 4-step process I use to confront someone:

Step 1: Facts/Observations

The first step is naming your observations.

The goal here is to build common ground.

Ask yourself:

• What did someone do or say?

Don't blame or criticize the other person.

Observations are objective.

State the facts.

Let’s stick with my train example.

In that situation, the observation I made was:

’’Excuse me sir, I noticed your laughter is quite loud.’’

When sharing observations, avoid words like: often, rarely, never, and always.

Step 2: Feelings

Next, name your feelings.

Ask yourself:

• What do I feel?

In the train situation, I felt distracted, so I said to the man:

’’I’m feeling a bit distracted.’’

It’s important to be non-judgemental.

Say ’’I’m feeling a bit distracted’ instead of ’’you distract me’’.

Avoid judgments—focus on feelings.

Feeling:

• I feel frustrated.

• I feel excited.

• I am irritated.

Interpretation of a feeling:

• I feel that you don’t care about me at all.

• I feel as if you think I am stupid.

• I feel that I am worthless.

Step 3: Needs

The following step is expressing your needs.

Ask yourself:

• What do I value?

In my case, I said ’’I value quiet while traveling’’.

Don't say "my need is for you to do ____".

That way, you're trying to change the other person.

Human needs are universal like peace, creativity, respect, etc.

Step 4: Request

Finally, you have to make a request.

Ask yourself:

• What would I like to ask?

I requested the man this:

’’Could you please take the call elsewhere? I would appreciate it.’’

Bad requests are vague, negative, or unrealistic.

• Vague: “Can you love me more?”

• Negative: “Can you stop walking around the table?”

• Unrealistic: “Would you bring me breakfast to bed daily?”

Good requests are specific, positive, or realistic

• Specific: "Would you express your affection for me more often?"

• Positive: "Could you remain seated at the table, please?"

• Realistic: "Is it possible for you to bring me breakfast in bed occasionally?"

The request is a request—not a demand.

Request: "Could you clean the dishwasher now, please?"

Demand: “Clean the dishwasher now, or else…”

Recap

1. Fact/Observation: ’’Excuse me sir, I noticed your laughter is quite loud.’’

2. Feeling: I’m feeling a bit distracted.’’

3. Need: ’’I value quiet while traveling.’’

4. Request: ’’Could you please take the call elsewhere? I would appreciate it.’’

If you want to dive deeper into this process, I highly recommend you read the book Nonviolent Communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg

It’s transformed the way I approach confrontations.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s edition.

Let me know your thoughts on it.

Talk again next week.

— Martijn