Read time: 3.5 min.

”Why would I accept parts of me that are weak and shameful?”

I asked myself.

This didn’t make sense to me for the longest time.

Accepting something I wanted to improve was counterproductive.

It meant I would surrender to the given problem.

Besides, the disapproval motivated me to change.

But I had overlooked a huge point.

A painful but profound realization

I realized something tremendous.

If you reject a part of yourself, it creates intense polarization.

The more you push it down, the more tension builds.

The higher the tension, the harder it is to control.

Like a spring.

Over time, this ’non-acceptance’ manifests into:

• Battling with continuous thoughts

• Hating parts of your personality

• Experiencing low self-worth

I was my own worst enemy.

Until I discovered shadow work.

The concept of shadow work

Shadow work is a concept created by Carl Jung.

The Shadow is the part(s) of you that you:

• Suppress

• Dislike

• Hide

It’s everything you would delete if you had the chance.

Shadow work is the process of accepting these darker parts of yourself.

Instead of ignoring them, you confront them directly.

It might seem counter-intuitive at first, but let me explain:

By resisting your current reality, you're keeping it stuck in place.

If you accept your shadow parts, you can make conscious choices about how to deal with them.

In doing so, you gain control over these parts, rather than the other way around.

But if you isolate it from consciousness, you won't be able to exercise control over it.

You might say:

’’But I hate a part of my personality and I want to get rid of it 100%.’’

If a trait truly isn’t aligned with your values, you can still decide to change it in the future.

But acceptance always comes first.

Funnily enough, in the process of shadow work, you'll find that you actually love most of the parts you wanted to eliminate.

You just got programmed into believing they’re weird, wrong, or unacceptable.

Now, let’s get into the good stuff.

How to befriend your shadow

Step 1: The Flashlight

Identifying the shadow is the first step.

You can spot it by answering these questions:

• ’’What emotions do I resist feeling?’’

• ’’What parts of me do I dislike?’’

• ’’What thoughts do I avoid?’’

• ’’What can't I be with?’’

Another method for identifying your shadow is to pay close attention to your triggers.

These are strong emotional reactions toward people or situations.

Questions to ask yourself:

• ’’What actions from others bother me?’’

• ’’What makes me go into defense mode?’’

• ’’What expectations do I have of others?’’

• ’’What specific situations irritate me?’’

The magic happens if you follow up with the question:

’’How am I that?’’

If you get triggered by something or someone, you’re likely mirroring your shadow self.

Seeing avoided parts of yourself in others is confronting and uncomfortable.

In a quick defensive attempt, you blame, judge, or punish them for it.

Notice these attempts to get one step closer to integrating your shadow.

Now you’ve identified your darker parts, it’s time to embrace them.

Step 2: The Hug

If a nasty thought, feeling, or memory arises, don’t run away from it.

Embrace it, as if you’re embracing a friend.

It’s welcome to stay beyond judgment.

You can’t outrun your shadow.

Realize it is a part of you.

There’s no use in holding resentment against it or wishing it was different.

Step 3: The Listening Ear

Now the hardest part is done, there’s one final step left.

Listen to your shadow.

• What is it asking for?

• What does it need?

• What have you not been giving it?

It’s trying to tell you something.

Offer it a listening ear.

Your shadow self didn’t form to hurt you.

It’s formed to help you survive.

Realize it’s not the enemy—it’s your best friend.

Final Words

Shadow work is a lifelong process.

In my personal experience, doing it in real-time has been most transformational.

Be compassionate towards yourself on the journey.

You’ve been criticizing yourself for years, and it only made things worse.

Try accepting yourself and see what happens.

Until next week friends.

Much love,

— Martijn